April 29, 2016
INDIA – The Dalai Lama, head of the Buddhist faith, abruptly announced today that he no longer believes in ‘nonsense’ and has converted to atheism.
“I myself, I can no longer be a believer in nonsense,” the Dalai Lama said at a press conference at the Chan Centre. “Frankly speaking, all religions are bull excrement. So I have become atheist. When our brothers and sisters talk about God, creator, I can only face-palm.” He laughed, perhaps a bit too hard.
The Dalai Lama's feelings about God have changed over the years. In the past he has indicated an agnostic worldview, but not a purely atheistic one.
“I recently read the book ‘The God Delusion’ by Richard Dawkins. This book made some strong arguments I could not refute,” the Dalai Lama said, sitting in his usual lotus position on a plush armchair. “God is the same as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and freedom in China...it doesn’t exist!” The Dalai Lama thrust his head back and laughed with reckless abandon.
“All religious traditions have good potential to get humans killed for no reason,” the Dalai Lama said. “So I say, fuck this shit. I am done. I have wasted my life on nonsense. But I still have time to make changes and live a real life.” He then ripped off his microphone, stood up and left.
The Dalai Lama was last seen boarding a plane from India to Los Angeles. According to his aides, he plans to change his name to Tanner Jacobs and pursue a career in sitcom writing.
