An Open Letter To Those Who Wish To Deny Or Delay Their Marriage In Sri Lanka
Kulani Abendroth-Dias
Even in the advent of social media, the newspaper remains an important source of information in present day Sri Lanka. According to a Central Bank’s Economic and Social Statistics report, 538.82 million newspaper copies alone were sold in 2016, up 6.06% from 2015 (“Newspapers Still the King in Sri Lanka,” Daily Mirror, 2017, August 30). Being one of these many readers, I came across a “case” of sorts in the Daily Mirror, against the denial or delay of marriage in Sri Lanka, directed at our supremely beautiful, supremely patriarchal nation’s women specifically.
Why do I care about one poorly written article, with no concrete “sociological,” or “biological” references to back it up?
One article is not the problem. What is important is what the article perpetuates: norms of femininity that are based on motherhood, subservience, and dependence. While a number of the claims that the writer makes (such as all women having a pseudo-biological yearning to be a mother, which has no sociological, biological or anthropological basis behind it), his point on the societal taboos of “waiting too long” to get married is indeed an issue faced by dozens if not hundreds of families around the island (just take a look at the matrimonial sections in any newspaper!)
The solution is not to push women – indeed, a “female past her adolescence” no less – into marriage.
If we want to discuss the “sanctity of marriage,” and the religious and traditional roles of this type of communion, we need to first answer the question: What is marriage?
While there are dozens of definitions of marriage worldwide, across religions and traditions, one can argue that overall, marriage is a commitment one makes to another, to live as their partner, for better or for worse, till death (or abuse) does them apart.
So how can we force our daughters, “young ones with no experience” as we say in Sri Lanka, into such a commitment without any discussion, or consent, of their own? Isn’t it possible that a woman may have career goals of her own, that may allow her to delay her marriage given her specific circumstances? Isn’t it possible that a woman simply hasn’t met a man whom she wants to spend the rest of her life with? By pushing women into marriages of convenience in the fear of “delaying or denying” a marriage, aren’t we quelling a workforce that can help our country move forward?
Marriage is not the institution to be fought here. Whether one chooses to marry or not, have children or not, have a career or not, is one’s own choice — regardless of whether you are a male or female. As a trained social psychologist, I can list hundreds of studies by Deborah Prentice, JaneMaree Maher, Lise Sauggeres, Jean Baker Miller: sociologists, anthropologists, psychologists, etc. from around the world who discuss the various reasons for subduing the female workforce: threat, procreation, intergroup relations, evolutionary biology etc. Spewing that research from the ivory tower is not going to change anything. What we need to influence, to bring about change, are the norms surrounding marriage in Sri Lanka.
